Here Come the Clowns...

On Sunday we went to the circus. Not any old circus you understand, but one ambitiously arranged by the PTA at the kids' school. Given that Spouse has been moaning for years about how annoying summer fairs and their ilk are, and I have been moaning for the same length of time about how I have MUG written on my forehead and end up volunteering for things, we both greeted this new development with relish. At last a fundraiser that sounded like fun...

We've only been to the circus once before - and despite our initial reservations, we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, so had high hopes for this one. And the kids were besides themselves with excitement.

Our first indication that the circus we were about to see might not be quite of the same calibre was when (having gone to help set up) I discovered that the fee for the circus was £1200. Not bad money for two hours work - until you factor in that they set up the night before (and were there till midnight) and had to hang around all day till 2.30pm for just one show and then pack up to go away.

Another factor of course was the weather. It rained all day Saturday, and the whole thing nearly got cancelled when the truck got stuck in the mud. Sunday dawned, grey and windy, and then the rain set in....

Most people chose to shelter in the school before the show started, but as we dashed across the field the heavens opened and 400 odd people got very very wet.

The show was meant to start at 2.30, but in the best showbiz tradition things were running late. Isn't it ever going to start, moaned no 2. Soon, I must have said a dozen times while promising lots of women in spangly costumes, as I felt sure she would like that.

As it turned out there was one woman in a spanglyish costume who far from being the svelte nimble waif I had imagined had the chunkiest legs imaginable.Her first trick was to do acrobatics on a spinning half crescent in the shape of a moon - or as this was a French circus, Madame Legs was on her lune... First off, something was apparently stuck and she was hissing at the crew to help her out. Once that was fixed, Madame L duly did her bit, climbing up and down la lune, sticking legs and arms out at various points and ending up spinning around on her neck. Apart from that bit, it was scarcely impressive, but no 2 who is a keen gymnast was suitably awed.

Next on came the clowns who were sadly distinctly unfunny. They did a routine based around famous Moroccan acrobats, which I assumed was a warm up for said famous Moroccan acrobats, but was simply a precursor to them pulling four kids out of the audience into the ring. All my children were vainly holding their hands up, but sadly (for them) and luckily (for us) we were too far from the front.

Then there was a fanfare and Mr Spinning Plate Man was announced. His helpers came and stuck up two wobbly looking stands each holidng for sticks. He loaded a plate, and started to spin it, then went on to the next one. By the time he'd got to no3 , no1 had stopped spinning. He span it again and carried on. Then in his enthusiasm to load a plate it went spinning off to the ground. He picked up and spotted that no 1 plate had stopped spinning. He went to spin it again and carried on. He lost another plate, and nos2 and 3 plates had by now stopped spinning altogether. By this time Mr SPM was getting quite cross, particularly as the audience were roaring with laughter. Eventually he got all eight plates up there, but didn't manage to achieve complete spinning harmony before disappearing off in a grump.

He was replaced by a young lad who was chucking a stick about with a bit of string. He seemed reasonably skilful and all was going well till he pulled a dad out of the audience and got him to hold the stick. The dad didn't understand what was expected of him and kept lifting the stick higher and higher, until he was practically standing on his chair, before it dawned on him that Mr Stick Man wanted him to chuck the stick to him.

After that the clowns returned and did a funnyish routine involving a gun that bent sideways and a bursting balloon. Which would have been great if the balloon hadn't gone off pop before he'd fired a shot....

Then it was back to Mr SPM and Mr SM who did a routine with bits of string and a sort of yoyo kind of thing that they kept chucking to each other. Well, they tried to... Mr SPM demonstrated that this too wasn't his thing, because he kept dropping his. In the end you could tell a sense of desperation had set in and the first half came to a rather hasty close with all the grown ups on the floor with laughter.

In the interval we concluded that they were probably all hungover - after all what else are you going to do at midnight in the pouring rain when you've only just got your tent up, but drown your sorrows?

We went back for the second half with a degree of nervous anticipation, wondering what more tortures would be on offer.

First up it was the clowns again, offering a semi-funny routine about pulling out a tooth. Should have sent Spouse up there... Kids most cross because once again when audience participation asked for they were overlooked as they were too far back. They're only picking people at the front, said no 3 crossly. Right. That's why we're not sitting there...


Once the tooth was pulled, it was time forMadame Legs to reappear and lie on her back kicking a variety of objects about, which was rather clever but a little pointless and then Mr SM returned in a new guise as a magician. His first effort was to juggle some balls. His next two tricks progressed a little more smoothly, although in one of the boxes he used, it was possible to see the two way mirrors. He was evidently trying quite hard, but didn't seem to know where any of his props were, or more worryingly, quite what he was supposed to be doing with them. The piece de resistance came when he was pulling some handkerchiefs out of a box, which promptly came over, along with the table it was standing on. Somehow I don't think that was part of the act. Net result was collapse of all the adults in the audience, though luckily for our magician friend, children are slightly less discerning...

The finale was Madame Legs doing things on a rope - and here I have to say I was impressed. She shinned up a rope and swung around and off it, at times only hanging on by an arm or a leg. Sadly though, it wasn't quite enough to lift the performance above am dram levels. Still, as I said, children aren't terribly discerning, and at least they enjoyed it. And as we trudged back through the rain we thought, well at least we've had a laugh, the school made some money, and what else would we have done with ourselves on a wet Sunday in May? Actually, I can think of quite a lot, but OTOH Mr SPM is going to go down in school folklore, and it was worth it to see him alone....